A Family Argument
by Alara Rogers
Summary: Q has an argument with Q Junior. Humor. It helps to have seen Classic Trek because there are references to Junior being Trelane and other TOS references.


_Note: In most of my work, including this story, Q Jr from Voyager is the same character as Trelane from TOS, only Trelane was the equivalent of a six to eight year old and Junior is the equivalent of fifteen or sixteen._

_Also, for ff dot net readers: this is not script format; it's dialogue-only. There is a difference._

_And yes, the ficlet deliberately starts in the middle of the conversation. Nothing got cut off._

* * *

"Oh, yeah? How about the time you left me on a planet by myself for ten years without my helper device, so I had to deal with the natives without even being able to use my powers reliably?"

"You were supposed to figure out how to use your powers without needing the helper device. It's hardly my fault you were so slow."

"It is _so_ your fault. You made me, after all. Or are you gonna try to blame this one on Mom, too?"

"No, I'm going to blame it on you. If you're going to accuse me of all the terrible things I did to try to train you into being a rational, competent Q, I'm going to point out how very, very far away from anything resembling rational or competent you were when I did them."

"They called me a demon and made up rituals to make me go away!"

"Oh, come on, all that did was hurt your feelings. Besides, you're the one who set their villages on fire. Twenty-seven times."

"I couldn't control my powers!"

"You weren't even _trying._ You _wanted_ to see what they would do if you burned down their village. And you complain that they thought you were a demon? What exactly did you want them to think you were, a god? A friendly helper spirit? A vengeful ancestor who could be placated with grain sacrifices?"

"I might have liked some cupcakes."

"If you wanted cupcakes, you could have made your own cupcakes. You were supposed to be omnipotent."

"Except I totally wasn't. _Omnipotent_ beings don't need training wheels."

"Which is why I took them away from you."

"And it didn't do me any good! I still didn't learn to use my powers without them!"

"No, it took those humans blowing up your primary device about two centuries later for you to do that, and even then you still thought you needed to use your powers to _make a new device_ instead of just, I don't know, using your powers. Though I admit the business with moving the planet around was pretty good for a kid."

"Yeah, and what was up with that, anyway? You can play with all the humans you want, but I couldn't have any?"

"You _were_ going to kill him because he and his crew weren't going to stay on your planet and play with you."

"You said I couldn't have any more mortals to play with!"

"Your mother said that, and what she said was that if you couldn't take care of your pets you couldn't have any."

"No, _you_ said it, afterward. You said I'd embarrassed you in front of mortals for the last time, and you were sick of it, and you weren't going to let me play with mortals ever again."

"I never said that."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't."

"You're a Q! Check the Continuum's records if you don't believe me! You totally did say it!"

"...I might have had some stern words for you in the heat of the moment, all right. But if I _did_ say it, you should have known I didn't mean it."

"How was I supposed to know you didn't mean it? You were always doing things like that to me! Remember the time you grounded me for three hundred years just because I started a war?"

"It was _not_ three hundred years. It wasn't even thirty!"

"You said it was three hundred years!"

"Stop paying attention to what I _say_ and learn to count! I never grounded you for three hundred years!... That was your mother, anyway."

"No, it was a different time she said I was grounded for three hundred years. And it's not like you stood up for me when she did!"

"Oh, and I suppose you've forgotten all the times your mother imposed some sort of draconian punishment on you, and I came in behind her back and let you off early?"

"You're supposed to do that. You're my dad. I'm talking about the things you did that sucked."

"Yeah, how did we even get onto this topic of conversation anyway? The things I did for your benefit vastly outnumbered the things I did that 'sucked', as you put it, so why are we focusing on the negative anyway?"

"Because you telling me that I have to stay in the Milky Way galaxy is _totally unfair_ and it's like the eight millionth time you've grounded me for something I didn't even _do._"

"Oh, am I supposed to believe someone _else_ turned all the Kelvans' spaceships into styrofoam dodecahedrons?"

"They're _icosahedrons_, and yes, you are supposed to believe someone else did it, because I didn't. But that's okay, I don't expect fairness out of you, Dad. I never got it before, why should I expect it now?"

"I have been _eminently_ fair with you!"

"How about the time you put me in time-out in a Hawking black hole and then the thing started evaporating with me attached to it and even though I yelled for help you and mom never came?"

"...what are you talking about? We _never_ put you in an evaporating black hole."

"Yes, you did!"

"Oh, for the love of... No. I'm not taking the credit for this. If your mother stuffed you in a black hole while you were in her custody, blame _her_, but leave me out of it."

"It was you, Dad."

"I'm not listening to any more of this. You're confined to the Milky Way Galaxy and that's final."

"Fine, pull rank on me instead of listening to anything I might have to say."

"I listen to you all the time."

"If by 'all the time' you mean 'never'."

"I'm not listening to this!"

"So that proves you don't listen to me all the time, doesn't it?"

"...I am _this close_ to putting you in an evaporating black hole _now._"

"You can _try_ it, old man."

"...Just stay in the galaxy and don't push me."

"You think I'm pushing you when I look at you funny."

"You're pushing me right _now_, child. Just do as I say."

"Okay, I guess I'll just go have to find something to do in this galaxy. I could always transport some Borg to the Beta Quadrant..."

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE BORG?"

"Gotcha!"

"You're just acting out for attention, aren't you? You really _want_ me to punish you. Then you can sulk and whine and get sympathy from everyone."

"No one gives me any sympathy. But if I got some attention from you I might think the universe was ending prematurely, 'cause that never happens."

"I have done nothing but pay attention to you for ten thousand years."

"You've got a way different definition of 'attention' than the rest of the universe does, then."

"I am not having this discussion. Just do what I say."

*flash*

"Well, hey, now that he's gone... maybe I totally will find some Borg to play around with."

"I HEARD THAT."

* * *

_Written for the prompt community Muse Academy, for the prompt "Your children vividly remember every unkind thing you ever did to them, plus a few you really didn't. -- Mignon McLaughlin."_


End file.
